Sunday’s sliding into Monday and that means it’s time to reflect the past week’s been.
Ups and downs, rythm-wise. Regarding sleep it’s not been the best week. Woke up in the middle of the night a few times because of nightmares, been sleeping during the day a few times to see if I could have sweet dreams. Rarely had them.
This had effect on my mood and focus. I have only planned the first half of last week, letting myself just do whatever the other half. Yes, I’ve been keeping busy I’ve not been doing as much as I could.
Relapsed with masturbation, now on day 2 again. Shit sucks, demotivating as hell, but I got to keep my head up. Set a small goal one day at a time. It will be a long time before I am where I want to get but every day I should be working to get a step closer, not further away.
This post is a reflection on the past week; for the no-masturbation part, scroll down to the bottom.
However, there are some positive takeaways from last week: Sunday is now officially my day off again and while the lows were low and shameful, the good parts were pretty good and spontaneous: painted, visited a friend.
I’ve bought a new dotted Leuchtturm1917 notebook this week and am writing a long-term goal in it to visualize and inspire a good outlook. I fill one page every evening, which takes me half an hour.
I have been eating well. Eased a bit with the intermittent fasting and am allowing myself to at least eat breakfast – but nothing high in carbs. Less meat, more water.
Money management has been going better. Spent little, but worked a lot.
Did some excercise. 100/100/100 pushups/situps/squats and a lot of walking in the sun. It’s not a lot, but enough to get me enthusiastic about it again.
Found a service that makes it possible to sell prints and gear on my webshop, which I think is pretty rad. I’m going to add some posters on there next week. You can order one, and it’ll get shipped to your address. Proceedings help keep this site in the ether and you get something physical in return to show support. I know, matter doesn’t matter, but it’s nice to have shit.
This I could do better at
Still on that coffee but thinking about taking some days off it, after a friend who quit coffee too. I’ve been drinking it every day lately, ranging from two to six shots a day, which is just too much. Undoubtedly that’s why I had trouble sleeping.
Study’s an issue – I could (and should) be putting more effort in next week than last week. I did things, but not too much, and the work that I delivered was honestly not up to my own standards. Good news is that I got the points I need to continue studying – this is the best I’ve did at a tertiary study in my life.
I postponed some paintings, but after painting this Sunday I have the vibe again. Looking forward to doing some stuff next week. Reworking a red painting that I didn’t like; purpled it up. Painted with an acquaintance while drinking tea. One exhibition and two commissions to go before I’m done with my backlog.
My 12-day no masturbation streak was broken, by me. I was on a roll, doing stuff, keeping busy and on track, motivated and siked. Then I became Icarus.
The thing is, the longer I abstain, the higher my urges to do something, whatever, anything becomes. I usually channel this into writing, painting, studying, working, working out, reading or visiting a friend. If I abstain for a while I find it easier to speak with a deep voice and to maintain eye contact with anyone. I get the urge to go after what I want, what I need. This feeling builds up the longer I abstain, so I know I will get there again – it just takes not doing something.
My loveable perspective of ‘go-for-it’ and razor-sharp focus has been reset and while I’m positive about getting where I was, on day 0 I was meek as a lamb – did nothing of value that day.
I could take pages explaining but it’s actually very simple. My dad used to stay “One step back, two steps forward”. That’s how it is. Onto day 3.
Until the next time.