From the work of Mark Dumanon. Subj.: One step backwards, two steps forward
Well well, my friends.
I vowed to not drink alcohol when going out, to test my strength of character, maximise my gains and to be able to look at a ritual that’s normalized from a distance.
The first 300 days or so went extraordinarily well. I didn’t drink as planned, didn’t have hangovers, I saw everything through rose-colored glasses and started to see what alcohol does to a person, mentally and physically.
I’ll let you know that I lowkey started to look down upon drinkers and the effects of alcohol. I was, and still am, so convinced of the positive effects of teetotaling that I internally judged people who drink.
Then I had one beer again, out of the blue. I just said ‘fuck my moral compass’ and had one.
It didn’t do anything for me.
It only made me feel disappointed in myself and it made me lose my 300 day streak.
I know this guy who hasn’t smoked tobacco in 7 years. One of the reasons he told me why he never smokes anymore is that he doesn’t want to lose the streak that he’s built up over the years.
Because it was some months ago that I had that beer, I’m only going to hit a streak like that in the new decade. At least I’m entering 2020 sober.
It was a case of moral failure. I will look at moral failure and how to learn from it.
When deciding on something, you have 2 voices in your heart. One that says ‘Let’s go with the right choice’ and one that says ‘Fuck it’.
If you’re not living under a rock and have thought about your past mistakes, you know what the consequences of your actions will be.
When making a decision that’s bad for you (such as ‘Am I going to drink this beer while alone and gaming on my PC?’) you can either say ‘I know what’s good for me to do’ or ‘Fuck it, I’ll do it anyway’.
You don’t need to have studied Psychology or taken LSD in order to find out you operate on a basis of duality.
Some cultures call this duality God-Satan, some cultures call this Yin-Yang, some call it Karma. Some cultures had a whole range of gods to differentiate between the good and the bad.
You already know what’s good for you. Tea instead of coffee. Going for a run instead of laying in bed all morning. Hanging out with positive people instead of naysayers. Eating fruit instead of chocolate. Connecting with nature instead of breathing in smog. Being creative instead of being a consumer.
It’s the inner voice that will lead you to the light.
Some people are so disconnected from their inner voice that they do a lot of bad things. They will make mistake after mistake, not thinking about what they’ve done and therefore not learning, growing.
I used to be like this 5 years ago but it’s changing.
Through hardships I have what to do and what not to do.
Will it or not, you are part of a bigger whole.
A friend told me when I was down and out that the ‘total amount of minds in the universe is one’. It was only a bit later that I internalized this message.
Augustine writes in his Confessions that you as an individual, the part, is less in power and beauty than the whole.
Now this might sound a bit woo-woo, but bear with me:
The universe is speaking to you through your mind.
The world is developing into a world that’s good for everyone and your actions are either delaying or accelerating the coming of the New World.
You can picture what Heaven will be like when you close your eyes, breathe deeply and are in a silent place.
It’s essential to act in harmony with others and yourself in order to accelerate the coming of the New World. That’s why you should listen to your good inner voice.
In cartoons there are always a little angel and a small devil hovering over the shoulders of the decision maker. This is the decision making process visualized.
When you fail, see it as a lesson.
When you listen to the devil in spite of the angel having reached out to you, you can see it as a learning moment. The angel is full of mercy so it’ll understand.
However, the angel’s patience is able to run out and the Good will punish you for your bad deeds. I believe that’s how I ended up psychotic a while back.
I was ignoring the lessons my parents, teachers, friends and experience had taught me and went my own way.
Even after I fainted a couple of times due to mixing marijuana, alcohol and medication, I still kept on indulging. I was so seduced by the intoxicating effects of the stuff that I became weak in my decision making.
I’ve found out through discipline that you can become strong mentally and physically and live a good life that serves God through serving others. But I’ve had to go through dark depths to find that out.
My dad used to say the following when I made a mistake as a child:
One step backwards, two steps forward!– Simon Dumanon
That was it, friends.
Until the next time.